Thursday, July 28, 2005

Japanese One Step Closer To FuckBots

Japanese develop 'female' android

Now I know what you are wondering. "Shawn, would you really get it on with a robot made to look like an Asian female?" What about me, that you have learned over my 30 years, would lead you to any other answer besides, "You're god damn right." I wish it looked more like Chi from Chobits. But hey, whatever. It sure isn't stopping this guy. Look at that guy. Totally fucked his robot.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I Haven't Been This Happy/Mad Since I Got That Toothy Blowjob

seen on

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Voltron: Defender of the Universe is coming to the big screen.

Veteran producer Mark Gordon has teamed with music producer Pharrell Williams, World Events Prods. and producers Mark Costa and Ford Oelman to make a big-budget feature of the 1980s giant robot kids TV series and toy sensation.

The World Events Voltron animated TV series debuted in 1984, about at the same time as Hasbro's Transformers toy line, igniting a morphing robot phenomenon. The story being developed will be based on the 1980s series about five maverick explorer-pilots who must travel to the planet Arus to learn how to operate Voltron, a giant mechanical warrior formed by five smaller robots.


Thankfully it looks like they are going with the lion version and not the later version made up of like 15 land, air, and sea bots. It's weird, because while this is still raping my childhood, it kinda feels good.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Congratulations Douche Bag, I Hope You Make $4

from IMDb

Aniston's Teenage Sweetheart Sells Love Secrets Online

Jennifer Aniston's childhood sweetheart is selling romantic mementoes of their relationship on internet auction site eBay. Dubbed "precious High School Romance Memorabilia" the sale promises a love letter and a makeshift birthday card Aniston gave to the man, only referred to as Michael, in 1984. A press release promoting the sale - which begins next week boasts, "The materials date to the summer of 1984 - when Jennifer was 15 and attending the 'Fame' school (New York's High School of Performing Arts). Jennifer had a summer romance with Michael, a 16-year-old. Their summer passion turned into a long-time friendship until they lost contact in 1991, when Jennifer's career began to soar." The items on offer are: "A piece of paper that Jennifer wrote her name and phone number on, the night that she and Michael first hooked up at a Park Avenue Penthouse party - written by Jen in her own Lipstick! A Love Letter from Jennifer, hand written in red pen - An intimate and endearing look into a young (Aniston's) heart. Birthday wishes from Jen to Michael on his 17th birthday - written on toilet paper from Michael's house (she felt badly about not buying him a birthday card, so she promptly ran to his bathroom to create one!)."


I'm not a particularly big Jennifer Aniston fan, but this is seriously one of the slimiest fucking things I have seen in a long time. I hope you die a lonely, broken man Michael. And when you do, I hope someone sells your eyes and hair on eBay.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Canada Is For Idiots

Despite some criticism, Mr. Floatie brings a comedic touch to a serious issue... (click to read more)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I Swear To Satan I Will See This Movie 100 Times In The Theater

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Note To Shawn's Childhood: "Hope You Like Ass Rape"

On the heels of the announcement of Michael Bay most likely directing the upcoming live-action Transformers movie and Weinstein Co. pacting with Warner Bros. to do a CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pic, I see these gems today on Dark Horizons:

Drew Barrymore and director Steven Spielberg are in talks to make a sequel to the 1982 Hollywood classic "ET: The Extraterrestrial" reports WENN.

Barrymore is apparently anxious to resume her role as Gertie Elliot, but only if Spielberg, who directed the first film, agrees to oversee the project. According to reports the sequel will see ET return to a now grown-up Gertie, desperate for help saving his family from extinction.

"Drew has spoken to Steven about it," a Hollywood insider said. "Although he thought she was joking at first, he's actually giving it serious thought. Drew thinks the world needs another feelgood movie like ET right now and she's prepared to work with Steven to make it happen."

The Smurfs
Paramount has acquired film rights to vintage cartoon characters "The Smurfs" and is setting up development of a 3-D CGI feature with Nickelodeon Movies reports Variety.

Producers have conceived the project as a trilogy and are aiming to release the first film in 2008 to coincide with the 50th anniversary of the Smurfs. The blue skinned critters originated in 1958 as a Belgian comic strip but hit international fame in the form of a 1981 animated series that ran for a whopping 256 episodes.

The studio has selected Herb Ratner ("Mr. Lucky," "Clean Break") to script, whilst the storyline is being kept under wraps.


Normally this is where I'd do a "What's next? The Smurfs?!" comment. But now I know the answer is yes.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I Can See Big Ben... But How Does Being Brian St. Pierre Pull You Any Action?

Man Impersonated Steelers To Snag Dates

You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me


Cooter puts down Dukes

Actor who played "Cooter" on the original Dukes television series says he doesn't like the new movie.

The good old boys. Ben Jones, who played the lovable mechanic "Cooter" Davenport on the '80s series The Dukes of Hazzard, has posted a note on his Web site telling people not to support the new film version of the show. Jones says the movie is profane and sleazy, and it destroys the spirit of the popular car-chase show about a family of ne'er-do-wells and their struggle against the corrupt commissioner of Hazzard County, Georgia, Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg.

The former US representative from Georgia says the movie contains foul language and sexual situations that destroy the family values of the original series. In a statement on his Web site, Jones says "I think the whole project shows an arrogant disrespect for our show, for our cast, for America's families, and for the sensibilities of the heartland of our country."

The original series ran from 1979 through 1985. The Country Music Channel has recently begun rerunning old episodes of Dukes, and ratings have soared like the General Lee rocketing over a flatbed truck full of chicken crates as Boss Hogg's police crew swerves wildly into a cement truck.

The movie, which stars the dream cast of Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, and Jessica Simpson, opens in August. Hopes are pinned on it to help alleviate the current box-office doldrums. Despite Cooter's strong admonishment, Dukes' movie bosses are heartened by the fact that young people don't listen to old people.


Where do I start first? That Cooter has a website. That Cooter was a US representative. That some how, some way this film destroys the family values of a show which featured bastard cousins, the gold standard of skimpy denim shirts, moon shining, and characters name Enos, Cletus and COOTER! Dude, your name was COOTER! Shut the fuck up.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Yes. Okay. We Fucking Get It Already!


Seems the cute, fluffy and uncharacteristically innocent roles aren't behind little miss Lindsay Lohan yet, with rumours swirling that the house of Mouse is keen to snag the Herbie star for one more role - before she makes the transition to adult roles. The newly blonde actress is being eyed for Jonathan Mostow's retool of Swiss Family Robinson, which Mandeville Films is producing for Walt Disney Pictures. It's scheduled to start shooting early next year at Queensland's Warner Bros studios. "Mostow recently finished re-writing the script by Greg [Poirier]", says an insider. "Lindsay's just talk at the moment...but that's someone they want. It might depend on whether she's happy to be part of an ensemble, and not the headliner". The movie tells of a Swiss settler family are shipwrecked on a desert island.


Parent Trap
Freaky Friday
Swiss Family Robinson

It's bad enough Disney has no better ideas for their live action branch other than remaking films from their past. But to continually cast the same fucking actress? What the fuck do they even pay script writers and casting agents for? I'd fucking love one of those gigs. Fuck, I could do both before lunch. "Here's a 45 year old Pollyanna script that I've spiced up with some modern references. And now it's based in LA. Oh, and I mailed Lindsay a check for $6 mil. I'll be at the mall if anyone wants me."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Even I Think This Is Ridiculous

New from Image Comics this week:

GunCandy #1

by (W) Doug Wagner, Chuck Dixon, (A) Brian Stelfreeze, Jason Pearson & Sanford Greene

BRIAN STELFREEZE returns to Image for the summer's most anticipated action adventure, staring "Laci," the original pink-plaid assassin. Explosions, mayhem and insane fun are guaranteed!

PLUS! As a special bonus, watch trouble unfold when a college girl and her friend make a secret road trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Check it out in this exclusive 22-page "flip book" installment of THE RIDE, by CHUCK DIXON, JASON PEARSON and Sanford Greene.

Order Code: MAY051531 July 2005 - $5.99 - 48 pages

This Is Why The Steelers Own Your Weak Ass Team


Heinz Field Concert to Psych Fans Up for Football Season Styx and Kansas Headline Inaugural Kickoff Concert on August 22nd

Steelers fans and music lovers can kickoff the 2005 football season by enjoying the popular sounds of Styx and Kansas during a special concert, Budweiser and WDVE Present Are You Ready For Some Rock ‘N Roll!, Monday, Aug. 22 at Heinz Field.

In the first ever concert designed to help launch the Steelers’ season, Styx will perform their most popular songs, including “Renegade”, which has become a fan favorite at Steelers home games. Kansas will also play many of their top hits. The two headline groups will be joined by a special guest to be announced at a later date.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Hey Coldplay...Owned!

from IMDb

Live 8 Is Dead Bait for ABC

Analysts are puzzling over the pitiful ratings for ABC's primetime special of the Live 8 concerts on Saturday, which drew an average of just 2.9 million viewers between 8:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m., making it the least-watched original program on ABC in the time slot since the Latino Alma Awards on June 1, 2002. In an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer, Robert Thompson, director of Syracuse University's Center for the Study of Popular Television, concluded that "there's not a broad-enough appeal" in rock concerts. "A good portion of the broadcast audience doesn't know who or what Coldplay is," he remarked. Nevertheless, he said, ABC will be able to promote the telecast as a goodwill gesture. "They'll be able to bring it up when they need to apologize for other things," he said.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

To Steal A Line From Lionel Hutz...

"Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising since my lawsuit against the movie The Neverending Story!"

The Fantastic Four.

I saw a free screening of Fantastic Four last night. I went in with fairly low expectations. So in that aspect, the movie succeeded. It is by far the worst big budget comic book film I have every seen. Yes, worse than Catwoman. Worse than Batman & Robin. In fact it may be the worst comic book movie period. Worse than Dolph's Punisher, worse than Hasselhoff's Nick Fury. Pamela Anderson's Barb Wire, Matt Salinger's Captain America, ROGER CORMAN'S FANTASTIC FOUR - you name it - worse, worse, worse, worse, worse!

Oh my fucking God! Plot holes all over the place. Cheesy dialogue. Painfully outdated references (Think MasterCard "Priceless" and The Apprentice "You're Fired").

***Spoilers Below***

Look I don't like to spoil movies, but believe me, you can't spoil this turd. There are moments that are so hackey and poorly thought out you can't help but just laugh at them. The scene in which Ben's fiancee gives his ring back may seriously be the worst scene in movie history. It makes no sense from beginning to end. Just fucking ponderous. And the bar scene where Alicia Masters goes from Matt Murdock blind to Mr. Magoo blind in a matter of seconds would totally be the most inconsistent thing in the movie, but since it's in competition with a scene in which there is a monsoon in Brooklyn while bone dry in Manhattan, it's a tough call. Of course both might lose out to a scene in which Doom returns Ben Grimm (The Thing) to normal, knocks him out, but doesn't kill him in order for him to have an easier time killing Mr. Fantastic, and then later indicates, in order for his "plan" to be complete, he must now kill Ben Grimm. Good plan asshole. Glad you thought it out. The whole movie has scenes like this. Like Sue stripping down to sneak past the cops, which apparently wasn't necessary considering the fact that the other guys walked with her to get to the same destination at the same time!!!!! And don't get me started on a nurse seeing a man's temperature be over 200 and yet deciding instead of concern, it would be good to go skiing with him, and THEN after watching him catch fire and melt snow into a perfectly carved pool in the middle of a mountain, climb into the water with him. How she got back without hyperthermia is left to our imagination.

But the worst offense, and believe me, I have not even scraped the surface above, is that it's boring. The movie is like an hour and a half which is incredibly short for a hero flick, yet it feels like forever. And yet, so precious little superhero action. Seriously, I just watched Mystery Men again and that was cram packed with action compared to this. And the science, which this movie tries to have a ton of, is piss poor. Heat Vision and Jack poor. But at least those guys were doing it on purpose. These guys seem to use it as time filler. In fact there is so much non-action filler you start to wonder why they even bothered to put any in at all. Why not just make a screwball comedy. Hell, they have a "wacky roommate" montage. Why not just add a few dance numbers and call it good.

The people involved in this film should be fucking ashamed because this movie is good for no one. Not adults. Not kids. Not anybody. And Jessica Alba, the youngest, sexiest world renowned scientist since Dr. Christmas Jones should have fucking known better. She was in Sin City, which is brilliant and perhaps second only to Batman Begins in "getting it right". She should have walked. Even if she filmed FF before Sin City, which she may have, she should have walked. Seriously, she should have read that script and walked. These other actors don't know genre. Dark Angel does.

I don't do this often, but I'm serious, I'm asking you, DON'T go see this movie. Let it bomb. Marvel needs to learn to be more protective of their properties and how they are used. Let them lose $100 million on this and maybe they will learn.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Sign My Ass Up

A Japanese publisher will hold a national qualifying exam for self-confessed "nerds" on their knowledge of comics, video games and other obsessive hobbies in a bid to smash prejudice and nurture a so-called "geek elite".

Come And Get Me Ladies

Thanks to betsushi for giving me something to do on my break.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Friday, July 01, 2005

I Could (And Will) Waste All Day On This Site

Killer Clips

Still Spells Crap

from The Hollywood Reporter

NEW YORK -- Beleaguered broadcast network Pax TV is putting a new brand -- and the letter "i" -- on its network. After a well-publicized battle with NBC and the layoffs and departure of top network execs this year, Pax TV will become known as "i" beginning Friday and will shift its focus from comedies and drama to a mix of programming. Pax TV's owner, Paxson Communications Corp. in West Palm Beach, Fla., owns 60 broadcast stations nationwide that form the basis of the family-friendly programming network. Pax TV president Dean Goodman said Tuesday that the network wants to become a TV destination for independent producers and syndicators who want a national venue.

If I Was A Lawyer, I'd Do Shit Like This All Of The Time

"Batman Begins": Bruce Wayne, Defendant