Friday, April 22, 2005

Look Ma, It's My Mock Draft!

Here's how I think Saturday's first round will end up. Note, that while I think there will be trades, I kept the current draft order intact for simplicity sake.


1. San Francisco: Alex Smith, QB, Utah
The 49ers want to trade this pick, but it won’t happen. Their hearts say Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers, but their brains say Smith. Brains will win out.

2. Miami: Ronnie Brown, RB, Auburn
The Dolphins want to trade this pick (notice a trend), and I think they will. (The Vikings will move up and take Braylon Edwards.) But if not, they’ll take the best running back available. He should allow them to free up time up in their passing game, for whoever it is that ends up at QB.

3. Cleveland: Antrel Rolle, CB, Miami (Fla.)
There is a lot of offensive firepower available. But didn’t Cleveland score 48 in a game last year and lose by 10? Romeo and Savage go D.

4. Chicago: Braylon Edwards, WR, Michigan
The Bears need many things. But I think a young receiver to match up with the newly acquired Mushin Muhammad makes the most sense here.

5. Tampa Bay: Carnell Williams, RB, Auburn
They need a running back. And while, personally, I’d take Cedric Benson, they’ll probably go for “Cadillac” instead. Unless they reach on Aaron Rodgers, which makes so little sense that it could happen.

6. Tennessee: Adam "Pacman" Jones, CB, West Virginia
He fills their biggest need. If they pick him, he’ll start.

7. Minnesota: Mike Williams, WR, USC
If the Vikings don’t move up for Edwards, or pick Derrick Johnson, then they’ll take Williams to plug the hole created by the departure of Randy Moss.

8. Arizona: Cedric Benson, RB, Texas
Arizona cooled on trading for Travis Henry in case this scenario occurred. Benson will replace the retired Emmitt Smith.

9. Washington: Carlos Rogers, CB, Auburn
They wanted Pacman, but Rogers' will do. However, if they package this pick and the one they acquired at 25 to move up 3 spots to get Jones, the whole brain trust should be kicked out of “Raljon.”

10. Detroit: Derrick Johnson, LB, Texas
The guy the Redskins should have picked; the Lions get the top LB on the board.

11. Dallas: Shawne Merriman, DE, Maryland
Tweener type that could excel in the Cowboys' 3-4 defense.

12. San Diego: Troy Williamson, WR, South Carolina
Playoff teams don’t usually get to pick this high, unless they pull off the curb job they did on the Giants last year. His size/speed combo makes him awfully tough to defend.

13. Houston: Alex Barron, OT, Florida State
If they don’t make this pick, David Carr should quit. The Texans line has been getting him killed for years. Barron will most likely start at left tackle.

14. Carolina: Jammal Brown, OT, Oklahoma
St. Louis really wants to move up to this spot to take Brown. If they don’t, Carolina will take him.

15. Kansas City: David Pollack, DE, Georgia
I’m not sure where he’ll eventually line up in the NFL, but the Chiefs’ are said to be in love with his potential to chase down quarterbacks.

16. New Orleans: Travis Johnson, DT, Florida State
He’s big and strong and should help the Saints horrendous defense.

17. Cincinnati: Erasmus James, DE, Wisconsin
It could be Marcus Spears here, or Shaun Cody. But James has been rising and I think he’ll end up as the pick here.

18. Minnesota: Marcus Spears, DE, LSU
He is huge and excels at stuffing the run.

19. St. Louis: Thomas Davis, SS, Georgia
If they don’t move up to get Brown, I really think they’ll try to move down for Khalif Barnes, the tackle from Washington, who would be a reach this high still. If they DO stay here, Davis could be the pick. They may be tempted to try him at LB, but I think he’ll settle in at safety.

20. Dallas: Demarcus Ware, DE, Troy
Some see Mark Clayton here, but I think the Cowboys will add a second stud to their revamped D.

21. Jacksonville: Shaun Cody, DT, USC
The Jags might try him at end. In any case, he’ll find his way to the QB.

22. Baltimore: Justin Miller, CB, Clemson
Miller is a physical corner that will work into the nickel early on while learning from Samari Rolle and Chris McAlister.

23. Seattle: Khalif Barnes, OT, Washington
The Seahawks are notorious from reaching on local picks. But in this case, he fills the huge void caused by Chris Terry’s release.

24. Green Bay: Jason Campbell, QB, Auburn
They’d be better served, in the short term, with an o-linemen, like Michigan’s David Baas. And they still may go that way. But call this a hunch. They need a young QB and I think Campbell would be a better student of Favre than Aaron Rodgers. Washington may give up the world to move up one spot to snag Campbell for themselves.

25. Washington: Aaron Rodgers, QB, California
Big trouble here. They mortgaged the future to get this pick, in order to draft Campbell. But they were too noisy about it. Green Bay will demand more than the Redskins can part with at this point. Mark Brunell is a shadow of the player he was, and the team doesn’t seem to have any desire to help Patrick Ramsey grow. Rodgers’ free fall finally ends, but his woes have only begun.

26. Oakland: Barrett Ruud, LB, Nebraska
The Raiders went and got this pick hoping either Rudd or Channing Crowder would be here. They both are. My guess is they’ll go with Ruud.

27. Atlanta: Fabian Washington, CB, Nebraska
Washington is a bit short at 5’10”, but he’s fast and always seems to be in the right spot at the right time. Atlanta might consider free safety Brodney Pool instead.

28. San Diego: Matt Roth, DE, Iowa
Roth is tailor made for this defense. He’s got a big motor and makes most of his plays on grit alone. Marty Schottenheimer is drooling over the fact that he’s still on the board

29. Indianapolis: Brodney Pool, FS, Oklahoma
There is no way Pool should have dropped this far. He’s an incredible athlete who can cover wide receivers and meet running backs head-on.

30. Pittsburgh: Heath Miller, TE, Virginia
There are just so many ways the Steelers could go. Offensive line and cornerback are definite needs. And personally, I would love it if they took a chance on QB turned WR Matt Jones. But I think they’re counting on N. Colorado hoss Vincent Jackson to still be there in Round 3 to fill their need at wideout. The Steelers will end up taking Miller, who is far and away the best tight end in the draft, to give Big Ben a big target.

31. Philadelphia: Mark Clayton, WR, Oklahoma
Philly held a private workout with Matt Jones. And when the Jets traded out of the first round, I’m sure they were ecstatic, knowing Miller would probably fall to the Steelers, leaving Jones for them. But I don’t think they counted on Clayton still being on the board. They’ll snatch him up if he’s there.

32. New England: Channing Crowder, LB, Florida
Tedy Bruschi's health has to be a concern. Crowder gets my nod over Georgia’s Odell Thurman Tennessee’s Kevin Burnett.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The New Lara Croft Seems...Familiar...

Is it just me or does Eidos owe Keira Knightley some money?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

So Freakin' Sweat... Yet So Very, Very Sad...

View Bill Status
View Bill Text
View Statement of Purpose / Fiscal Impact

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Bill Status

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WAYS AND MEANS
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE - Stating findings of the Legislature and commending
Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for the production of the
movie "Napoleon Dynamite."

04/05 House intro - 1st rdg - to printing
04/06 Rpt prt - to 2nd rdg
Rls susp - ADOPTED - 69-0-1
AYES -- Anderson, Andrus, Barraclough, Barrett, Bastian, Bayer,
Bedke, Bell, Bilbao, Black, Block, Boe, Bolz, Bradford, Cannon,
Chadderdon, Clark, Collins, Crow, Deal, Denney, Edmunson,
Ellsworth(Ellsworth), Eskridge, Field(18), Field(23), Garrett, Hart,
Harwood, Henbest, Henderson, Jaquet, Jones, Kemp, Lake, LeFavour,
Loertscher, Martinez, Mathews, McGeachin, McKague, Miller, Mitchell,
Moyle, Nielsen, Nonini, Pasley-Stuart, Pence, Raybould,
Ring(Roberge), Ringo, Roberts, Rusche, Rydalch, Sali, Sayler(Callen),
Schaefer, Shepherd(2), Shepherd(8), Shirley, Skippen, Smith(30),
Smith(24), Smylie, Snodgrass, Stevenson, Wills, Wood, Mr. Speaker
NAYS -- None
Absent and excused -- Trail
Floor Sponsor - Bradford
Title apvd - to Senate
04/06 Senate intro - 1st rdg - to St Aff
Rpt out - rec d/p - to 10th Ord
Rls susp - ADOPTED - voice vote
Floor Sponsor - President Pro Tempore Geddes
Title apvd - to House
04/06 To enrol
04/07 Rpt enrol - Sp/Pres signed
To Secretary of State

Bill Text

Fifty-eighth Legislature First Regular Session - 2005





4 Be It Resolved by the Legislature of the State of Idaho:

5 WHEREAS, the State of Idaho recognizes the vision, talent and creativity
6 of Jared and Jerusha Hess in the writing and production of "Napoleon Dyna-
7 mite"; and
8 WHEREAS, the scenic and beautiful City of Preston, County of Franklin and
9 the State of Idaho are experiencing increased tourism and economic growth; and
10 WHEREAS, filmmaker Jared Hess is a native Idahoan who was educated in the
11 Idaho public school system; and
12 WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly
13 the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and
14 WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's
15 most famous export; and
16 WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered
17 multiethnic relationships; and
18 WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics;
19 and
20 WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air qual-
21 ity and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transporta-
22 tion; and
23 WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights a long-
24 honored Idaho vacation destination; and
25 WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour
26 shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns; and
27 WHEREAS, Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha is an example of the
28 importance of the visual arts in K-12 education; and
29 WHEREAS, the schoolwide Preston High School student body elections foster
30 an awareness in Idaho's youth of public service and civic duty; and
31 WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club and the requirement that candidates for
32 school president present a skit is an example of the importance of theater
33 arts in K-12 education; and
34 WHEREAS, Pedro's efforts to bake a cake for Summer illustrate the positive
35 connection between culinary skills to lifelong relationships; and
36 WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce and
37 Idaho's technology-driven industry; and
38 WHEREAS, Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding shows Idaho's commitment to healthy
39 marriages; and
40 WHEREAS, the prevalence of cooked steak as a primary food group pays trib-
41 ute to Idaho's beef industry; and
42 WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of
43 physical education in Idaho public schools; and
44 WHEREAS, Tina the llama, the chickens with large talons, the 4-H milk


1 cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and
2 WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the
3 Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent
4 resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of
5 Their Lives!"
6 NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session
7 of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House of Representatives and the
8 Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City
9 of Preston for showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural cul-
10 ture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity.
11 BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the House of Representa-
12 tives and the Senate of the State of Idaho, advocate always following your
13 heart, and thus we eagerly await the next cinematic undertaking of Idaho's
14 Hess family.
15 BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the Chief Clerk of the House of Representa-
16 tives be, and she is hereby authorized and directed to forward a copy of this
17 resolution to Jared and Jerusha Hess, the Mayor of the City of Preston and the
18 Principal of Preston High School.

Statement of Purpose / Fiscal Impact



RS 15236

The purpose of this resolution is to recognize and commend Jared
and Jerusha Hess for their cinematic talents by which they have
increased the nation's awareness of Idaho.


There is no fiscal impact to the general fund.

Name: Representative Larry Bradford
Representative Max Black
Phone: (208) 332-1000


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Tell Me Something I Didn't Know...

Congratulations, you scored Sadistic Humour. You find the little things in life to be funny, and have a great sense of humour, whether it's stupid or dark. You're probably young, and older people don't understand why it's all so fucking hillarious. Either way, check out: Clerks, Mallrats, Napoleon Dynamite, Wayne's World.

Sadistic Humour










Mindless Action Flick


Romantic Comedy


Quiz Link Here

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Things That Get Me Through The Day

Like the song "Lotion" by The Greenskeepers. A wonderfully catchy song based on the dialogue of this generation's quintessential cock-tucking film villain. And now, for your viewing pleasure, the video for said pop jem:

Friday, April 08, 2005

This Is Probably Only Funny To Me But...

Okay. So does anyone remember The Ultimate Warrior? He wrestled in the old WWF...

This guy!

Anyway. He was a guest lecturer at UConn on Tuesday (yeah, I know...) and a near riot broke out. He had been invited to speak as part of a series on politics. Warrior, as he has legally changed his name to, has been very outspoken in recent years and many liberal organizations decided to show up and shout him down. Warrior then proceeded to toss some really harsh comments in their direction. Yada yada yada... The school issues a press release apologizing. The College Republicans, who hosted the event, issued an apology.

But that's just background. Here's the gold. Warrior has issued a statement. And it's in third person. Fucking gold...


From the Desk of Warrior

April 6, 2005

Santa Fe, NM - This release is in response to allegations made in an email from UConn student Russell Passig, as well as remarks made in two press releases by the UConn College Republicans regarding Warrior's appearance at UConn on April 5, 2005.

First, Mr. Passig's claim that Warrior's address was tantamount to "university-funded hate speech" is absolutely ridiculous. While it is certainly true that Warrior's positions are often controversial, the reality is that what people like Passig whiningly denounce as "racist and homophobic" is merely what reasonable adults would classify as nothing more than being politically incorrect. While Mr. Passig, Mr. Traugh, Mr. Moghtaderi, and any others who objected to the substance of what Warrior had to say would certainly have been within their rights to challenge Warrior during the Q&A period, the truth is that they lacked the class and common sense to do so. After repeatedly interrupting Warrior's speech, these individuals chose to further instigate Warrior with baseless ad hominem attacks - thus eliciting highly-charged responses from Warrior. To top it all off, this World Class Crew of Crybabies is now attempting to have the UConn administration punish the CRs for words that Warrior spoke. Yet another timeless liberal/left-wing/antiAmerican tradition - when in doubt, blame the Republicans.

All of the above notwithstanding, it is somewhat sad to see how utterly spineless the UConn College Republicans have turned out to be. Not a single UConn CR voiced any objection to Warrior after the event. The detailed emails between Warrior and the UConn CRs reveal that the CRs repeatedly encouraged Warrior to single out the Tent City Trash for some re-education. Yet, it now seems that the CRs have collectively decided to bow down and beg forgiveness from various extremist, anti-American, left-wing groups who infest the UConn campus. Perhaps the UConn CRs should refrain from engaging in political activism until such time as they develop enough backbone to be able to withstand not being liked by their opponents.

It bears mentioning that Warrior demonstrated considerable restraint given the disrespectful and petulant behavior of a small minority of the students. These individuals unwittingly illustrated one of the most pernicious truths of modern liberalism: that while self-described liberals claim, ad nauseum, that they support freedom of speech, the truth is that they only support free speech as long as the content of that speech is acceptable to them. The moment that a single word is spoken that questions, challenges, or otherwise conflicts with their myopic, misguided views of the world, their enthusiasm for the First Amendment totally disappears.

In closing, Warrior emphatically rejects and dismisses any attempt to portray his appearance at UConn as anything other than it was - a straightforward, honest discussion of Warrior's philosophical beliefs. That his words have been mischaracterized and that the speech was occasionally interrupted by a relative handful of students (who, for some reason, all seemed to smell like patchouli oil and burnt flag) does not detract from the fact that the overwhelming majority of those in attendance had a wonderful time and agreed with most of Warrior's points - a fact that is corroborated by dozens upon dozens of emails that Warrior has thus far received from attendants. Warrior thanks all of his true fans and all of the true Conservatives who took time out from their studies to welcome him back to Connecticut, and hopes to see them all again very soon.

Always Believe,

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Hey, If You're Gonna Be An Idiot, Do It All The Way

from the AP

Star Wars Fans Line Up at Wrong Theater

LOS ANGELES - Star Wars fans will have to find the right theater before they can leave for the dark side.

Seven weeks before its release, Star Wars fanatics started lining up outside Grauman's Chinese Theater for the sixth installment of the popular George Lucas movie series. The vigil began Saturday.

But there's a problem: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith won't be showing at the Hollywood landmark when the movie is released May 19. The studio, 20th Century Fox, opted instead to open the film a mile away at the ArcLight theater.

Still, the resolute Star Wars die-hards aren't moving on. Beneath a makeshift awning, 11 people refused to relinquish their spots in line.

"We've heard all this before," fan Sarah Sprague said, noting there were plenty of rumors in 1999 and 2002 that previous Star Wars movies weren't opening at the Chinese Theater. The rumors were false and the films were shown there.

Fox and the ArcLight haven't completed their Star Wars deal, but executives on both sides told Daily Variety Revenge of the Sith will play at the ArcLight, not the Chinese.

Yet Sprague was adamant the line wouldn't be moving to the ArcLight.

"This is still the epicenter for Star Wars fans. For the big iconic pictures of the 1970s, people lining up were here. They weren't at the Cinerama Dome (at the ArcLight)," Sprague said.

Lucas' final Star Wars chapter spells out the last dark steps the once goodhearted young Anakin Skywalker takes to become the villain Darth Vader.

The Least Shocking Headline Since "Models Have Eating Disorders"

Fox Does 24-Hour Reality

My Favorite Bar Joke Has Been Burgled From Me Like A Bag Of San Diego Dog Turds

An old gag I used to enjoy would be sitting around a bar, often at "Trivia Night" and starting a simple "prep session" where I would often query to my tablemates, "What are the five Oceans?" Note: You must do this loud enough for the next table to hear. Your table will quickly come up with Atlantic and Pacific. Then typically Arctic and Indian. And then struggle forever trying to figure out the fifth. While they do this, you can often look around the bar and, based on the often extended three or four digits on people's hands, can safely assume the table next to you has done their job and your question has spread like wildfire. Excelllllent.

But apparently in 2000, something totally fucked up happened. We officially got a fifth Ocean. The Southern Ocean. Did anyone get an e-mail about this? Did this somehow slip under the radar when half of our computers' clocks reverted to 1900 and turned into dust? Seriously, did anyone not in elementary school or working in a field that gives a fuck about oceans hear about this? Am I crazy?

The good news is now my bar gag has become a sweet as hell bar bet for at least another, what, 5 years until kids who know about this start showing up with fake I.D.s at my dive bar.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Just When You Thought Darth Tater Was The Only High Carb Star Wars Tie-in This Season...

M&M's drops this. Fucking brilliant. Thanks to The Absent Minded Albino, who first sent me a bitter e-mail vilifying the M-pire. Oh pale one, this is where our paths diverge. This is gold.

There is also a cool shot of a life size M&M Vader (as well as the aforementioned Darth Tater) in Matt's new article over at X-Entertainment.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Holy Fuck

No, not the Pope dying. But I guess the headline would have worked for that too.

I saw Sin City on Friday.

1) Yes it is almost shot for shot a film version of the comic panels. Believe the hype on that. The best link to illustrate that are here. But beware there are minor spoilers.

2) Other then Michael Madsen, who I think went too 2D with his dialogue style, everyone nailed their parts. But Mickey Rourke stole the fucking show. Holy shit he was so Marv it was sick. Also Jessica Alba is insanely hot. And so is the Mom from Spy Kids. And also every woman also in this. But especially Devon Aoki. But most especially Jessica Alba.

3) Jessica Alba is so hot I can now only think about seeing Fantastic Four even though it is sure to be an inferior comic book effort, if only to see her. I also may watch Idle Hands again while I wait. And Honey. But not Camp Nowhere.