Tuesday, August 31, 2004

CD Pick Of The Week

Artist: The Beatnuts
Title: Milk Me
Label: Penalty/Rykodisc

The East Coast hip-hop crew returns with another solid effort. While it probably won't convert any new fans, and the album cover is completely ridiculous, it should please folks who are already down with Psycho Les and JuJu's carefree style. Notable tracks include "Find Us (In the Back of the Club)," "Uh Huh," and "U Nomsayin."

Monday, August 30, 2004

Fit Hits The Shan

All hell is breaking loose on News Askew as Kevin Smith reveals plans to revisit Clerks. Check the freakin'.

News Askew

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Lost And Found pt. 1

Cleaning up my place. Found a folder full of old stuff. Here's one such thing. Can't remember when I did this or with who, but it was printed on a dot matrix printer and had tons of hand written notes. Enjoy.


Most police investigations require a trip to a strip club.

Most pets (fish and rabbits excluded) are impervious to mortal harm.

When being chased, duck into the nearest parade. There is always one close by.

All beds come with specially tailored sheets that reach up to a woman’s cleavage but only up to a man’s waist.

In a pitch-black bedroom all parts of a woman are always visible, but for men – only their face and butt. Unless he is a murderer. Then just his butt.

All plain brown grocery bags must contain a long stick of French bread poking out of the top.

Anyone can land a plane as long as “the tower” instructs him or her how.

Once put on, make-up will never rub off. Also it was invented in the Stone Age.

All ventilation systems will fit a person, are clean and shinny, well lit, and can take you exactly where you need to go. Also, when shot with bullets, causes them to divert course and totally miss you.

If you are a good person, you will always survive a war – unless you open your damn mouth about what’s waiting for you back home.

When passing yourself off as a foreigner, it only requires an accent, no actual knowledge of the language.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All single women have a cat. And they talk to them. Often revealing important plot points. Also, when they are most on edge, the cat will jump out of a cupboard to startle them.

A man will show no pain while receiving massive wounds. But will then wince when having the same wounds cleaned and treated.

Unlike your town, movie towns often require large panes of glass to be carried across the street.

All movie characters carry around a magic bill that can easily be taken out of their wallet (or pocket) to cover any taxi ride (tip included – no change needed).

Interbreeding with aliens is both possible and commonplace.

Traveling time makes to you very desirable. Often to past/future relatives.

When staying in a creepy old house, all women tend to investigate strange sounds in revealing nighties.

Moms always cook their family a full breakfast of eggs, bacon and pancakes every morning, even though often they only have time for a quick gulp of coffee, milk or juice.

If you wreck your car – run! It’s going to explode.

If you find yourself caught up in a simple misunderstanding, for God sakes don’t try to explain anything, just run!

Lighting a match in a dark room will cause the killer to appear behind you.

If you are a woman, and a killer is after you, it’s the perfect time for a hot shower or bath.

When at a bar, simply order a beer. They’ll know which one you want.

Waking from a nightmare will cause you bolt straight up and pant wildly.

All explosives have large digital readouts to indicate when they will explode.

It’s always possible to park right in front of where you are going.

Looking through binoculars cause anything that is seen to appear in a figure eight shape.

Attractive woman who live across the street get changed and have sex with the blinds wide open.

Suspending a detective often turns them into an efficient crime-solving machine.

When dancing in the street, simply bump into someone and they will magically know the choreography.

One person shooting at 20 men has much better chance of killing them than 20 men shooting at one man.

When fighting a group of men they are often kind enough to take turns fighting you.

You can always run 20 flights of stairs quicker than it would take by elevator.

If you really, really trust somebody, they will often turn on you.

Both criminals and victims often keep scrapbooks of news clippings.

Dogs can sense the true heart of a man.

Police detectives go through vigorous personality testing that guarantees they will be matched up with their polar opposite.

Good guys rarely face manslaughter or criminal damage charges.

Teachers have in inability to time important instructions, so as to not be interrupted by the school bell.

Radiation will often give people powers and not cancer.

While a superhero’s origin is perfectly fine for a comic book, it often has to be changed for the movie.

Why simply shoot a captured hero when you can place them in an elaborate killing machine and then leave the room.

If you are a cop, and close to retirement, for God’s sake, don’t tell anyone.

The more a man and woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.

A job of any kind will cause a man to forget his anniversary or child’s birthday.

TV news bulletins often contain information that affects you personally.

Guns are totally disposable. Once you are out of bullets, just toss them away.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Nothing To See Here... Just A Pic Dump

Friday, August 27, 2004

The Good, The Bad, and The Really, Really Unnecessary

Hero is hitting theaters wide this weekend. Go see it. Twice. It's that good. Don't see Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid even with Salli Richardson in it. She's not that hot. And dear lord, don't even look at the poster for SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2. It stars Scott Baio. Apparently he is hoping for a Jason Bateman-like come back. No Scott. Not for you. Jon Voight is in it too, proving he's just as capable of picking crappy roles as his daughter is. Though she tends to realize halfway through most of her flicks that it's a dog and tries to save it with a pointless nude scene. I pray Jon does not do this. Though the MPAA rating of PG was rewarded for action violence and some rude humor NOT old balls, so the world is safe - for now. The Brown Bunny also hits select theaters this weekend. It promises to feature "a very sorrowful fellatio scene".

Less Than Two Weeks Until The Regular Season

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Hey Crazy Cat Person!

Navigate away from my blog to a place you may enjoy…

Crazy Cat Person – You Click Here

Fable Goes Gold; September 14th Release Is A Go

a.k.a. Why I won’t be hanging out with you in September.

Fable Goes Gold

DVD Pick Of The Week

Futurama Vol. 4

Starring: Billy West, Katey Sagal, and John Di Maggio
List Price: $49.98
Details: 4 Discs; Deleted Scenes; Commentaries
Synopsis: That final episodes of Matt Groening’s animated series about the exploits of the Planet Express delivery service.

This show was excellent, and if FOX had just put it at 8:30 after The Simpsons, and kept it there, there might have been many more episodes to enjoy. But they didn’t, so it’s with this set that the adventures end. Unless that rumored film ever gets made…

Highlights include; Where No Fan Has Gone Before, Spanish Fry, and The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Comic Book Pick Of The Week

Noble Causes #1

Written by: Jay Faerber
Art by: Fran Bueno
Format: Monthly
Price: $3.50
Synopsis: A brutal crime rocks the Noble family, and their old friend Krennick is the prime suspect. Meanwhile, Rusty¹s new girlfriend, Cosmic Rae, recruits him for a secret government mission, and Doc receives news that a man obsessed with Gaia is about to be released from prison.

This new on-going series follows several miniseries, which are available as trade paperbacks. The set-up for this story however, can be found in the recent Noble Causes: Extended Family #2. Faerber's deep cast of characters have made this brand a solid read so far, and I don't expect any drop off in quality now that it's a monthly book.

Hey, Look Who Isn't Dead Yet...

(from IMDB)

Golden Girl Causes Terrorist Scare in Boston

Golden Girls star Bea Arthur sparked a security scare at Boston's Logan International Airport earlier this week when she tried to board a flight with a pocketknife in her handbag. The actress, 81, was about to board a Cape Air flight when a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agent discovered the offensive article in her belongings, which is strictly forbidden on airplanes since the September 11th attacks. A fellow passenger says, "She started yelling that it wasn't hers and said 'The terrorists put it there'. She kept yelling about the 'terrorists, the terrorists, the terrorists'." After the knife was confiscated by TSA officials, the funnywoman pulled out a key ring from her bag and told the agent it belonged to the "terrorists", before throwing it at them. As she boarded the plane, the Emmy-winning star told the TSA employees, "We're all doomed." A spokeswoman for Cape Air says, "Miss Arthur was cracking jokes and was a real character."

I'd be worried...

...but I'm confident it'll never actually make it to the big screen.


Monday, August 23, 2004

I Have A Blog Now

And in the future - things will go here!

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