Lost And Found pt. 1

Cleaning up my place. Found a folder full of old stuff. Here's one such thing. Can't remember when I did this or with who, but it was printed on a dot matrix printer and had tons of hand written notes. Enjoy.

MOVIE MUSTS

Most police investigations require a trip to a strip club.

Most pets (fish and rabbits excluded) are impervious to mortal harm.

When being chased, duck into the nearest parade. There is always one close by.

All beds come with specially tailored sheets that reach up to a woman’s cleavage but only up to a man’s waist.

In a pitch-black bedroom all parts of a woman are always visible, but for men – only their face and butt. Unless he is a murderer. Then just his butt.

All plain brown grocery bags must contain a long stick of French bread poking out of the top.

Anyone can land a plane as long as “the tower” instructs him or her how.

Once put on, make-up will never rub off. Also it was invented in the Stone Age.

All ventilation systems will fit a person, are clean and shinny, well lit, and can take you exactly where you need to go. Also, when shot with bullets, causes them to divert course and totally miss you.

If you are a good person, you will always survive a war – unless you open your damn mouth about what’s waiting for you back home.

When passing yourself off as a foreigner, it only requires an accent, no actual knowledge of the language.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All single women have a cat. And they talk to them. Often revealing important plot points. Also, when they are most on edge, the cat will jump out of a cupboard to startle them.

A man will show no pain while receiving massive wounds. But will then wince when having the same wounds cleaned and treated.

Unlike your town, movie towns often require large panes of glass to be carried across the street.

All movie characters carry around a magic bill that can easily be taken out of their wallet (or pocket) to cover any taxi ride (tip included – no change needed).

Interbreeding with aliens is both possible and commonplace.

Traveling time makes to you very desirable. Often to past/future relatives.

When staying in a creepy old house, all women tend to investigate strange sounds in revealing nighties.

Moms always cook their family a full breakfast of eggs, bacon and pancakes every morning, even though often they only have time for a quick gulp of coffee, milk or juice.

If you wreck your car – run! It’s going to explode.

If you find yourself caught up in a simple misunderstanding, for God sakes don’t try to explain anything, just run!

Lighting a match in a dark room will cause the killer to appear behind you.

If you are a woman, and a killer is after you, it’s the perfect time for a hot shower or bath.

When at a bar, simply order a beer. They’ll know which one you want.

Waking from a nightmare will cause you bolt straight up and pant wildly.

All explosives have large digital readouts to indicate when they will explode.

It’s always possible to park right in front of where you are going.

Looking through binoculars cause anything that is seen to appear in a figure eight shape.

Attractive woman who live across the street get changed and have sex with the blinds wide open.

Suspending a detective often turns them into an efficient crime-solving machine.

When dancing in the street, simply bump into someone and they will magically know the choreography.

One person shooting at 20 men has much better chance of killing them than 20 men shooting at one man.

When fighting a group of men they are often kind enough to take turns fighting you.

You can always run 20 flights of stairs quicker than it would take by elevator.

If you really, really trust somebody, they will often turn on you.

Both criminals and victims often keep scrapbooks of news clippings.

Dogs can sense the true heart of a man.

Police detectives go through vigorous personality testing that guarantees they will be matched up with their polar opposite.

Good guys rarely face manslaughter or criminal damage charges.

Teachers have in inability to time important instructions, so as to not be interrupted by the school bell.

Radiation will often give people powers and not cancer.

While a superhero’s origin is perfectly fine for a comic book, it often has to be changed for the movie.

Why simply shoot a captured hero when you can place them in an elaborate killing machine and then leave the room.

If you are a cop, and close to retirement, for God’s sake, don’t tell anyone.

The more a man and woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.

A job of any kind will cause a man to forget his anniversary or child’s birthday.

TV news bulletins often contain information that affects you personally.

Guns are totally disposable. Once you are out of bullets, just toss them away.