Me and my lovely lady performed a skit last night at a holiday party. It was mildly well received. Christa performed the colored text and I the plain text. She used her perfect pitch to sing her lines as I used my jackassery to chew scenery and deliver mine. There will be typing errors as I wrote this in about an hour last night just before the party. Enjoy.
An in-depth look at the psycho sexual thriller that is… Baby It's Cold Outside
I really can't stay – He replies “Baby it's cold outside”
I've got to go away – He repeats in case she hadn’t heard him the first time, “Baby it's cold outside”
This evening has been – Cutting her off he says, “Been hoping that you'd drop in”
So very nice – He retorts. “I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice.” Playing on the fact that woman are always, so very, very cold.
My mother will start to worry – To which he says. “Beautiful, what's your hurry”. A compliment. This guy is good. A prick, but good.
My father will be pacing the floor – Again, ignoring the blatant under bus tossing of her family members he tosses her this gem. “Listen to the fireplace roar”
So really I'd better scurry – Hmm. She seems determined. The answer? To hit her with another compliment. Even if it’s the same one as before. "Beautiful, please don't hurry." Note he has now rhymed both worry and scurry with hurry.
Well maybe just a half a drink more – A lesson fellas, call a girl beautiful and she will forget her concerned parents. The move here “Put some music on while I pour” aka I’m going to drug you.
The neighbors might think – cutting her off again, her states “Baby, it's bad out there.” He is now on to Baby. Note ladies, once he has you, Beautiful is out the window.
Say, what's in this drink – She has noticed the drugs. So now to scare her. “No cabs to be had out there” What a creeper.
I wish I knew how – Again cutting her off mid line he follows up his creepy gaffe with the ultimate fall back – the eyes, as he says “Your eyes are like starlight now”
To break this spell – As she finishes her desperate plea to fight the Rohypnol in her wine, he makes his move “I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell” clothes are coming off people.
I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Clearly not a no means no guy, our Romeo replies “Mind if I move a little closer”
At least I'm gonna say that I tried – Now that this poor drugged up, freezing lass has given in, Prince Charming can’t resist this cleaver gem “What's the sense in hurting my pride”
I really can't stay – She fights back. He turns on the class. “Baby don't hold out” Bravo sir. Bravo.
I simply must go – Clearly the drugs have her, so he reminds her of his initial point, “Baby, it's cold outside”
The answer is no – haha. Hmmmm. Yeahhh. [shake head]
This welcome has been – “I'm lucky that you dropped in.” Charmmmm.
So nice and warm – That’s right. Girl’s are cooold. You got her hooked stud. Now reel…"Look out the window at that storm.” The song now takes a turn for the surreal. I believe at this point our male lead has begun to drink out the wrong wine glass.
My sister will be suspicious - [pause, look completely laugh/serious]
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore [toss out arms]
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious – Clearly drunk, this man shows no concern for the fact that this woman lives with her parents, siblings and crazy aunt. He is focused on one thing. Delicious lips. Think I’m lying. The line again was…
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - “Gosh your lips look delicious.” [hands out then fingers]
Well maybe just a half a drink more - [head down] And it wooorked. But like a guy he keeps blowing it by piling it on. “Never such a blizzard before”
I've got to go home - [alarmed]
Say, lend me your coat – Gotta give her more fear of the elements. Beyond simple layering. “It's up to your knees out there"
You've really been grand – Desperation time my man. Give her all you have “I'm thrilled when you touch my hand” [pause]
But don't you see – “How can you do this thing to me“ okayyy. Maybe a little too desperate now.
There's bound to be talk tomorrow – “Making my life long sorrow” creepy desperate.
At least there will be plenty implied – “If you caught pneumonia and died” Super creepy desperate
I really can't stay – He now seems resigned to losing his prey and lashes out a bitterly with a final desperate “Get over that old out.”
She then seems to make a break for it…
Can’t you stay awhile longer baby
[lick and mark motion]
Together: Ahh, but it's cold outsideeeeee